Cacoethes Scribendi

I was supposed to do a lot of things today, like laundry and going to the gym for the first time in three weeks. But instead I started reading a new book and baked cookies.

I obviously have my priorities straight... =oD

But, it IS December, and I've had a chocolate advent calender since I was a kid, and turning twenty-six hasn't seen me grow past that tradition. It was my mother who bought it for me, so I don't think she's so keen on me growing up either. =oD
It even got fairies on it... LOL!



Yeah, and this is my last day off for a week. From Friday until next Thursday, I work every day. YAY!..... not so much....

So, I still don't have snow, but I do have frost, and at this point I take what I can get. It's kind of funny, that once December came, the temperature immediately dropped below freezing.
It is currently -5 degrees (celsius) and I have yet to set my foot outside, but I have a feeling my body (or more specifically; my skin!) will scream at me for deciding to take the bicycle.
But the sun is shining! YAY!

So, the last day of November.

I had hopes of it being more of an event than it was, instead of this remarkably anti-climactic skip and a hop.
It was work, work, work, rain on the way home and now I'm about to sit down and watch "CSI", which, predictably, is on every monday at 9 PM.

So instead of it being the END OF NOVEMBER, it's a frickin MONDAY!!!

And also: When do I get snow? In a few hours it's December, and December means snow!

I'm awfully greedy today... Hmm...

I am seriously looking into the options of hibernation this winter.


I'm a little pissed right now.... On the one day I have off this week, they decide it's a good day to have a meeting. So instead of lounging around in bed all morning like I had planned, I have to get up early and go to work. So, ok, the meeting is like one hour, and we're eating breakfast during the whole thing. I don't have to plan anything or even bring anything (besides myself) and when it's done I can go home, or do some Christmas-shopping, or grocery shopping, or all three, if I feel like it. Although, I did book the laundry room.... Oh crap!!

And speaking of Christmas. How is it possible that it's just ONE MONTH left now? When did that happen?!

If you ignore the fact that I have a long way to go before I'm well again, you can rejoice in the fact that I am better!
I can now carry out long conversations without choking, and coughing and although I did sneeze up a macaroni during lunch (and it was NOT pleasant!) I am beginning to feel a little bit like myself again.
YAY!!

Now, if I could just get over the fact that MJ is pregnant...

It should've been happy news for me, but I just feel.... weird.
I don't think I'm jealous, and I've spent a long time analyzing my own feelings, but I do feel like I'm being left behind.
She's two years younger than me, engaged and in the prospect of buying a house.
Lots of grown-up points there, and I'm still single after six years. Yes, it's been SIX YEARS since I was in a relationship.
I don't toss around those numbers a lot, because 1) I really don't want to talk about it, 2) I don't want people to nod understandingly and 3) I'm not really looking for anything. Seriously.

It feels like everyone is speeding past me, settling down. And while I'm no party animal who is going to feel abandoned by her friends on the dancefloor, it's going to create a chasm between us, because there will be things I don't know anything about. Problems I can't relate to... thing I don't want to know.

The only thing I really feel in accordance to babies right now is guilt.
Guilt, because my mom wasn't young when she had me. She was 36. And that means that she isn't young now. And I keep thinking, what if she doesn't get the change to see her grandchildren?
That is the one thing that scares me. No, not scares me, shames me.
If there's one thing I want to give my parents, it's grandchildren. Adopted or otherwise, I don't care.
But my mom is awesome, and she's never said a word about it. Not once.
She doesn't even comment on the fact that I'm still single. All she says is that she wishes I could get out more, meet new people. Note; not a new BOYFRIEND, but people.

Anyway, MJ isn't so far along yet that she shows, so it's going to be out secret at work for a while longer, but I can't help feeling left out.. Once she has her baby, I'll be the only one at the store without children. Or not in a relationship...
And not to mention the fact that I will have to work without her, while she's one maternity leave. *cries*

Am I really gonna turn out to be the eternal single?

The little had left of my voice last night, was completely gone by this morning. I realized pretty quickly that I couldn't work without it, so I tried texting my boss (who is on a short paternity leave) and saying that it was most unlikely that I could work. When I didn't get a reply from him, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Being unable to talk really limits the options, so I couldn't call in sick. So the only thing left to do was to hop on my bike, cycle to the bus and visit my workplace to try to communicate my problem. Luckily, they caught on pretty quick, although they did laugh at me and my feeble attempts at conversation...

My newest co-worker scared me half to death by saying he once had the same problem, and that it lasted for a week.
A week!!
I can't be away from work for a week! So I'm going the take the advice to "shut the hell up" during the two days I now have off, and hope my voice is back for the weekend.
Why do stuff like this always happen to me?

I always get one of those massive colds during the winter, and the time has now come for this years attack of the Virus. It's not the swineflu, or at least I hope not, but I have completely and utterly lost my voice.
I've been talking all day at work, answering the phone and speaking to costumers, and then I went to see TJ after work, and as usual I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
But since I got home, I have barely said a word, and just now, when I tested it, I'm so hoarse all that comes out is a pained whisper... Thank god I've got tomorrow off!!
I'm gonna spend all of it quiet and not do the usual karaoke while I'm doing the dishes, and I'm gonna keep my phone on mute, because all I'll be able to do tomorrow is text.

I hate being sick...

Last time I took a break from my student e-mail over the weekend, I had 18 unread ones when I came back.
This time, I had NONE!
I don't understand, because I was supposed to turn in an assignment on Friday, and yes, I did do it after 6 PM, but I would've thought that by now, the teacher would have had time to read through it and "sentenced" it. But I haven't heard a thing, and it's making me antsy...

It feels like I can't relax until school's over, which it will be in about two weeks. After that, I can rid myself of the stress and just focus on work and LIFE! Finally I get to read books again! Actual books, with a storyline! Halelujah!

Halloween is coming up! Last year I was writing on a damn story for Christmas, but this year (and I mean the WHOLE year) has been agonizingly story-free. The ideas are there, at least partially, the urge to write is more insatiable than ever (which is what Cacoethes Scibendi actually means...) but I don't have the peace of mind to sit down and do it. It feels like a chore, and then it's no fun.
So, until that blockade lifts, I will just be reading and reading and reading.
And watching movies. I have decided to order a whole bunch of horror movies to watch, and I've narrowed it down to three. "My Bloody Valentine", because no matter what, Jensen is still hellishly gorgeous, "Friday the 13th", because Jared is... well, he's not exactly ugly.... and "Dog Soldiers", because even after an unknown amount of years, I still remember it. That's gotta count for something.
Might be a couple more, depending on price.

Gotta get ready for work!!

I had a day of complete and utter panic on wednesday, after waking up and finding 18 unanswered mails on my student e-mail after a much needed two-day vacation, without ever turning on my home computer once. Well, lets just say it was a rude awakening, because my group had very efficiently divided the work amongst themselves, and I was assigned with whatever was left. I had also gotten an old assignment back where I had failed, and I need to redo it. Not a massive project in itself, but it still feels like I'm being put through a wringer.

And then I have this other assignment that's due monday, and sure, I have comprised a small portion of it, but HOLY CRAP, I wasn't prepared. Usually, I do my best work under pressure (or at least I get the work DONE under pressure), but this time I just sat hyperventilating on my couch, wondering how long it takes for insanity to become noticeable..

Luckily, I've moved out to my parents house, temporarily, and I'm sitting here now, feeling just a little bit more relaxed about everything. It's something soothing about miles and miles of uninterrupted view, that puts things into perspective.
Also, the cats are a great distraction, particularly when the newest one brought in a live mouse and decided to set it loose in the great room, repeatedly hunting it down. When the squealing stopped and the crunching began, I resolutely shut all doors and turned the volume up on the TV.

Work's been pretty much excruciating, especially when we've gotten so much merchandise (and a lot of it is for christmas) these past few days it feels like we need a bigger store to be able to front it all.

And I've been neglecting my workout since sunday. I've been so used to bicycling every day that I feel restless now when I have access to a car, and I feel like such a loser for choosing my social life (even though it's practically non existent and needs grooming) over working out. Me and TJ went to see "the Ugly Truth" and while I sat there in the chair and stuffed my mouth with candy, I felt so immensely guilty.
Guilty and stressed,

Anyway, I've almost decided for a trip to IKEA today and look for a bookcase. And maybe after that, I have time to make a quick stop at the gym from some cardio.

I thought I had some sort of grasp on the course I'm taking, but.... We have just been divided into groups, and after looking at the assignment.... I don't understand!!!
I'm glad it's supposed to be a group-effort, because I'm afraid I won't have anything to offer. I don't understand the question, I don't understand the answer, I don't understand how my group is supposed to work together, but at least it looks like there's a few people who are good at taking charge. Hopefully they can tell me exactly what it is I'm supposed to be doing.
And another issue.... Our teacher wrote a comment on the website that the next date for turning an assignment in is October 2nd. Ok, but I have no idea which assignment it is.
I think I need to send an e-mail....

On a completely different note, it's blowing up a storm outside, and I'm supposed to go out in it later. No, not go out, cycle! Needless to say, I'm not particularly looking forward to it...

I'm losing my mind!!!!

It's Monday, and for reasons unkown, people aren't very good at shopping on Mondays. We're standing here, with an hour and a half to go, and it's not looking like we'll be very busy.

My deadline is tomorrow, and I had my mother look over my assignment just for the hell of it, but she did see anything wrong with it. Hopefully, my other teachers will like it too... I'll just have to add references. Whatever those are...

Ok, maybe I should do that instead. If I'm going to engage in illegal (for this workplace, anyway) internet-access, I might as well do something productive with it.

Yay...

I am seriously starting to question my decision to take this course.
IT'S KICKING MY ASS!
I've been sitting now for an hour just trying to understand the questions!!
Finally I realized that there were lectures recorded on the homepage so I've been listening to those for a while.
Unfortunately, the professors thought they were dealing with intelligent people and therefore sped through the lecture way too fast for me to follow.
I did get some clues as to what I'm supposed to be writing about, which I guess is a step in the right direction.
Now I'm just going to have to find the discipline to sit down with this again.
It did say, however, in one of my books, that to remember something you've learned, you have to mimic the state of mind you were in while learning it. They used an example to explain this, by saying that if you were high on marijuana while reading something, you remembered it better, or more easily, if you got high again.
Maybe that's a study technique to consider....
But in my case, it will come back to me in the best way when I'm bored and slightly panicked. At which point I probably won't have any use for it. Awesome.

In an age where everyone changes cellphones once a year, I've been hanging onto the same on for SIX YEARS! It's been taped together, it can't receive text messages from all operators and recently the inner display has taken to freezing. So, it was a much needed upgrade that happened today.
A Samsung Jet, was purchased.



Beside the fact that I'm still learning just to turn the phone on, I'm excited!

So this is what it's going to be like in the future? A friend finds a boyfriend and you get the update via Facebook?
I'm a little disappointed actually, because I spent the evening after her update with her, and she never mentioned anything. It could be, that it's the same dude as last time, and then I can understand that she's not saying anything, because at this point I think I've made my opinion of him and his intentions very clear.
But still... Facebook? Come on!

I've had the entire weekend by myself, unless one counts the trip to the gym yesterday, and the Core-session tonight, and it's been FANTASTIC!!! After spending two weeks running from one thing to the next, lounging on the couch is heaven! I just wish I could really slow down the time so I can enjoy it more.

But of course, it wouldn't be me if something wasn't bothering me, and this time it's the first assignment the course requires. It's three essay-questions, basically asking you to explain cognitive psychology and give examples of "structural and functional" models used in everyday life.
Sounds easy enough, except I have no clue what the answers are, even after reading the literature! And what the hell is a "computer metaphor" ?! This is going to bother me today too, because hopefully, tomorrow we'll get some more info on what we're supposed to be reading to learn these answers, and then I'm going to spend one day forcing down some answers!
Why, did I ever agree to this?! It's no fun feeling like a failure before you've even started... *makes sad face*

It's been a looooong time since I updated here. Life's been absolutely crazy!!!!
Since the last time, I'm back at work, and within the first week I was reduced to the stress-infected, stuttering lunatic that I was before my vacation. So that much is normal.

But then today, I'm starting a collage class and while they did send me an e-mail (it's a long-distance tuition, thing), that we were getting a soft start, I'm still nervous, because how can I, undisciplined and lazy, manage to juggle work AND school? I will manage though, for ten weeks, I'll grit my teeth and pummel on, because this is as much for me as it is for my mother.
She was the one that encouraged (forced) me to apply, and she's also the one that's been the most excited about it, from everyone I've told. Actually, when I've relayed this information, those at work simply asked if I would be able to keep working simultaneously, no congratulations, or 'good for you's. TJ, who is supposedly my best friend, although I'm seriously debating that at the moment, just looked at me funny and asked me "why?"
Yeah, why would anyone wish to educate themselves? Does she -or anyone else- honestly think I want to spend the rest of my working life in a bookstore? Coming out of High School, I had pretty grand hopes for myself, and while I might not strive to become the next Bill Gates, I do want to feel like I accomplished something during my (hopefully) many years of life.

Which reminds me of the episode of Desperate Housewives when Edie dies. I'm not a huge fan of that show, I just watch it occasionally, but I did watch that one, and I was so stricken by what she said, that even since she was young, she hadn't been able to see herself getting old.
I'm the same way! It's like my perception of life ends at fifty and that's if I push it. It's not that I want to die young, but there's nothing in my life (right now) that I can see continue after, I don't know, forty. It's weird, and a little scary.
We had a retirement dinner for one of my colleagues yesterday, and I just couldn't see myself sitting in that chair, wrinkly and old, in forty years, having the younger ones wish me a happy "rest of my life".
Yeah, I'm depressing today!

As a little funnier note, we met our new co-worker yesterday. I don't really know what to think of him, except for the fact that I hope he'll be a little more....serious in the future, because while he wasn't cracking inappropriate jokes at the dinner (that's my and MJ's job) he was telling stories about a life that didn't exactly strike me as a "serious" person. And I'm very serious about my job.
Seriously sick of if, is more likely.
ANYWHO, he came into our little circle of employees rather abruptly, we didn't even know they were hiring. Well, we sort of figured, since we were one woman short now (there's a lot of girls working in that bookstore....) and from one hour to the next we suddenly had a new co-worker. Like, hello, I'm X and I'm here to meet your boss and then Goodbye, see you next week, I'm the new guy.
Whoa, slow down, didn't quite catch the last part.
But I hope we'll get along just fine, as long as he doesn't try to bulldoze over my work. I'm very territorial... I'm not above pissing in the corners to state claim. =o)

Yeah, now onto breakfast!

Why didn't anybody tell me that the lines got all screwed up when I post chapters here??  It's embarrassing seeing it all jumbled up and I'm all oblivious to it. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to make a post so that it'll open in a new window or something, so I'm taking the easy way out. I will link to FF.net!


The Epilogue of Magic of Midsummer


These upcoming two weeks will be the last two of my vacation and I have so much stuff planned it feels like I'm really revving up my engines again. I don't want t, not yet, but I guess it's better to start now than the last weekend before I go back to work. I want a few days in between to calm down and face reality.

I've got a trip to Stockholm this weekend, and then I'll be home for one day before it's time to go to Liseberg in Gothenburg. And the day after I get home from GBG, it's a fair in Skänninge that I have promised to attend, and although all these things are fun on their own, bunching it all up like this, might not have been the most brilliant idea I've ever had.

And as a final note, I thought I'd share the info that tonight, I will try out my new electrical barbecue that my brother got me for my birthday.  Just so you know. =o)

So, the clock is about half an hour after midnight, which means it's my birthday. I should be in bed, but since I don't have anyone to wake me early in the morning to sing for me (unless my mom makes a call at the crack of dawn) I decided to let myself stay up.
Technically, I can't call myself twenty-six until 11.33 AM so I've got a few more hours to go to be "just" twenty-five.
And to celebrate, I'll update chapter 3 of Magic of Midsummer. As a gift. *grins*

 

( Chapter 3 )
( End notes )

I took a walk into town today, to buy new headphones for my MP3 and while I did the switch, I walked past an old man peeing against a tree. I use that as my excuse for getting a little confused when I first couldn't get the sound to work.
All my headphones have the nasty habit of breaking the same way. It's always one earplug that just won't work anymore. Anyway, bought a pair of really cheap ones that probably won't survive a week, but if I'm gonna be careless with my things, I'd rather they didn't cost me a fortune to replace.

And speaking of replacing.
I printed out all the old parts in the Magic of-verse, to remind myself what the hell I've written in the past, and I noticed that FF.net had butchered the sentences and the spaces to pieces, and it's taken me a while to go through them, but as of today, Magic of Halloween (the First in the series) is now slightly improved.
The rest will get a mini-makeover shortly.  But the newest installment will get most my attention as the third chapter will be posted tomorrow.

There, I gave myself a deadline. Now I gotta keep it.

I'm already on my third day of vacation (or the fifth, depending on when you started counting) and I'm having a spectacular time doing absolutely... no, I am actually doing stuff.
I read. I just started reading John Twelve Hawks' The Dark River right after finishing Jeffery Deaver's The Twelfth Card.
And I exercise a lot. If I don't go to the gym, I take an hour long walk. I've lost enough weight to actually drop another jeans-size, so I'm very eager not to slack off.
Before this glorious off time, the exercise basically took care of itself, with me cycling to work and all. But when you're on vacation, the last thing you do, is cycle to work. It's very counter-productive. =)
Another counter-productive thing, is eating a whole lot of ice-cream. The weekend gave me rather shitty weather, but now the sun is out full force, and sun = ice cream. It's a law. Or it should be.

The only thing I have actually planned this week, is my birthday. I'm keeping it very low key; Bodypump in the morning, maybe go tanning. Then "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" later that evening and dinner with my family after that. No huge party, not a lot of gifts. But seriously, I can manage without them. Well... not completely without.
I have one gift from my bosses standing on my living-room table, teasing me. I want to open it, but I have enough self-control not to tear the wrapping off. I just walk by and squeeze it occasionally. I can't shake it, because Uli said it was too fragile for that. Damn.
But just because I don't make a big deal out of my birthday, it doesn't mean I don't still LOVE being told "Happy Birthday". *hint, hint*
 

Ok, still no breakfast. Gotta go do something about that.

PS: My birthday is on Saturday. On the 18th. So..... yeah.


 

Well, if I've posted the first I gotta post the second too, right? Considering there's a third chapter in the imminent future. Yeah, so here it is!

CHAPTER 2

 

( Magic of Midsummer  )All right. Breakfast time! *grins*